Cat Resolutions

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so my humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
I will not drag dirty socks up from the hamper in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill".
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite my own foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to have my human open every door so I can check.
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty